5 marriage mistakes leaders make.

How does a good marriage turn into a bad one? Easy. The world gets to it! In case you haven’t noticed, the world is out to get your marriage. Actually, Satan is out to get it. He wants you to make these five mistakes. If he can get you to make these mistakes—he wins.

I want to look at five marriage mistakes I often see leaders make. This list isn’t exhaustive. But, it’s a version of what I recall learning from almost two decades ago at a FamilyLife marriage retreat. As leaders, God calls us to a higher standard. If we can keep from making these marriage mistakes, we’ll go far in showing the gospel to a watching world.

5 marriage mistakes leaders make: 

Marriage mistake #1: Fail to adjust.

Marriage mistake #2: Fail to handle things God’s way.

Marriage mistake #3: Fail to serve.

Marriage mistake #4: Fail to work through challenges.

Marriage mistake #5: Fail to keep your marriage “affair proof”.

Marriage-Mistakes

Let’s dig in to each of the five (5) mistakes leaders often make:

Marriage mistake #1: Fail to adjust.

Our culture does not encourage us to adjust. Oh, what’s that?! You no longer LIKE your spouse? No worries. Simply get a divorce. I’m sure someone else will make you happy. From worldview, parenting styles, and priorities, the world will make you think you can simply “be who you are” and not have to adjust or change.

Think again. Your money, vocation, past relationships—how you steward these things matters. Sometimes, you must make painful adjustments in order to follow God. After all, aren’t Christians supposed to be the people of transformation! Who are you going to trust? Your friend’s advice? Your feelings? Your sexual attraction for the moment? No! You can make adjustments. God can change you! Hello!

Crucify your expectations about marriage. Don’t make the mistake that most marriages do when they fail to make adjustments. When you fail to make adjustments, fights and divorce become the path for you. 

Marriage mistake #2: Fail to handle things God’s way.

Think about it. When it comes to how much we are expected to give in the marriage relationship. The world would say we should give 50/50. That’s it. If your spouse doesn’t give—you don’t have too either!

The idea is, you do your part and I’ll do mine. Basically, in this equation, the two spouses are giving half of what they should! I’m not a mathematician—but that math doesn’t work.

In your marriage as a leader, those around you need to see you and your spouse in a giving battle! Each of you trying to outdo the other in your service to your marriage. This is your calling. Imagine those around you see this type of giving in your marriage. Total game-changer.

Marriage mistake #3: Fail to serve.

Everyone can drift to selfishness. The heart is evil and desperately wicked. The pull to selfishness can kill your marriage. The point is to serve. But, that’s the tricky part for leaders, right. Your selfishness may very well look like serving. That late-night meeting. The weekend counseling session. Yes, there are sessions for everything. But, are there areas where you might be drifting toward selfishness? 

Full disclosure: I’m a lay pastor at my church. For those who may not know, that’s a fancy way of saying “volunteer”. I have to be very careful that I don’t “volunteer” all of my evenings and weekends away and neglect my wife and kids. Kudos will come from folks outside of your home more easily than from inside of your home. It’s easy to serve others and neglect your spouse. Your first calling is to Christ and to serve your spouse. Get that out of wack and there’s trouble.

Marriage mistake #4: Fail to work through challenges.

How you and your spouse deal with bad things that happen will matter greatly. There will be seasons in your marriage where things go wrong. Whether busyness or struggle, loss of a job or loss of loved ones, difficulties will come. Who will you point to during those difficult times? 

Please, start now, before the challenging times, to rely on God and have God’s mind related to challenges. How do you handle challenges? Do you face them head-on or do you blame or escape? How you handle the challenges is vital. The big mistake I see in marriages is they simply avoid the tough talks for far too long—until often—it’s too late. 

Marriage mistake #5: Fail to keep your marriage “affair proof”.

I don’t mean to use the “affair” word inappropriately here. I’m using it as any escape from something. I’ve seen it time and time again, related to mistake number four above, one spouse avoids the tough talks and digs in deeper to career, hobbies, or yes, actual love affairs with other people outside of the marriage. 

The world will have you so busy helping other marriages that you miss what’s happening in your own marriage. This will kill a marriage faster than anything. Seek your spouse first then everything else. If you start to find your worth in your job, activities, or sadly, in someone else—it’s time to realize the mistake you’re making and come back to your first love.  

These are five mistakes I’ve seen leaders make. I think that if you watch out for them, you don’t have to make them. Often, when these mistakes happen, it’s because we drifted and didn’t realize it. Our eyes didn’t see. If you keep watch and pray—God can hold you and keep you. 

Ryan Sanders is a native Tennessean living in Washington, D. C. He has been married to Tonia for 17 years and they have three children. He is currently a doctoral student at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary where he received the Master of Divinity. He is a Fellow at The Colson Center for Christian Worldview and serves as Lay Pastor at McLean Bible Church.